Who is The Lord?
word picture
Ok, this is a question I get all the time from the kids I teach in Sunday school. They have a hard time grasping who the Lord is because they can’t see him, he doesn’t talk, and he doesn’t have a Tik Tok. If the Lord had a Tik Tok, he would probably have hundreds of followers! But the Lord is not on social media because he’s really old and old people have a hard time using technology, let alone the hard ones like Tik Tok.
So how do you explain who the Lord is without the ease of texting a link to his social media page? You can start with a Google image search for the Lord as I have done here. That is a good place to begin so that you can quickly get a visual of what he definitely looks like: a cis white guy with facial hair demanding a hug.
Cima da Conegliano, God the Father
Now, from those pictures we know he’s handsy, but that doesn’t really explain the full picture of who he REALLY is. I’ve created a quick breakdown to help us understand the answer to this super simple question that is, quite frankly, unbelievable that I even have to answer:
He is everyone’s daddy.
I’m not going to get into daddy issues here. We all have them. Some more than others, but basically the Lord is everyone’s daddy. It’s like that one doctor who used his sperm to inseminate hundreds of ladies without their consent at his fertility clinic. That guy has a LOT of kids who he has never met in person. Crazy. The Lord is like that but less illegal and more theoretical. The Lord doesn’t make sperm and isn’t a fertility doctor. Honestly I’m not totally sure how it works, but just know, he is your daddy.
He invented planet earth and humans
You know how I invented putting hot dog coins on a tortilla chip and call them Dogchos? Well, the Lord did the same sort of thing when he invented Earth and people. He was kind of bored (and probably high) one day and was just like “what if I made something called ‘existence’ and, like, create little tiny inferior versions of myself and give them a bunch of random rules to follow? If they fail, I will make them suffer after they die. Die? That’s a great idea, I’m going to make existence finite.” I’m pretty darn sure that’s how it went down for the Lord. I’m not 100% on if he made the other planets or the Universe because there isn’t anything about that in the bible, but he definitely made planet earth and humans and that’s all I really care about anyway.
a single dogcho
4. He is someone you can talk to anytime
A lot of people go to therapists these days, but I don’t understand why. If you want to just blab on about your problems, why not just save some cash and do it for free with the Lord? Basically, you can call him anytime for any reason. He doesn’t talk back, but what good therapist does? Save your hard earned cash for self-medication and just let it all out to the Lord.
5. He lives in Heaven
Now, we at Church Night know heaven to be a galaxy far away, made of wi-fi. Not everyone agrees with that, but we have proof that is where heaven physically is. I’m not gonna say how we got the proof because it may or may not be legal, but believe us - our sources are legit. The Lord lives in heaven and has an intricate monitoring system to keep track of every person’s movements, thoughts, prayers, sexual preferences, etc. Think Amazon levels of mass-surveillance with a touch of Black Mirror. That’s where we go when we die! How lovely!
6. He’s a dom
Listen, you don’t make a bunch of rules with intense punishments for breaking said rules if you’re a sub. The Lord is hands down the dom-iest dom that ever dommed. Either that, or he has a huge ego problem, but we know the Lord is perfect, so he’s just a big ‘ol dom. Anyone who judges the Lord about this is, quite simply, kink shaming the Lord and that is NOT COOL. We don’t kink shame at Church Night.
Dom Daddy
Those are the five simple explanations you can give your kids or whoever wants to know more about who the Lord is. I’m going to go microwave a hotdog and get ready for a little fiesta at my place tonight! Thanks for tuning in and check back soon for another update on how you can stay devoted to faith.
Blessings and light,
Kath
Did I get it right about the Lord? Let me know if you think I missed anything in the comments!
How you can support Church Night:
Follow Church Night on Instagram