Church Night

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categories / comedy, satire
tags / marriage, advice, comey, satire, humor

5 Easy New Job Ideas

July 21, 2020 / Church Night

Ivanka Trump, America’s Ice Princess, has introduced a new pandemic initiative to help people who are out of a job find new work. It’s called “Find Something New,” a phrase that worked really well for me in my experimental phase. It’s how I learned to NEVER mix hash and coke. That combo just levels you out to a boring level of normal which is not really the purpose of doing drugs now is it? Now, I’m not here to criticize Lady Trump on a totally traceable public blog linked to my personal information, so I’ll just say that her idea is so simple it’s genius. Her very well designed website offers ideas on simple career switches that anyone can do such as becoming an Aerospace engineering and operations technician or even easier, a Radiologic/MRI technician!

hash and coke is a bad combination! Too boring!

To help this amazing initiative, I’d like to offer my personal ideas for easy career switches:

Find the Lost Treasure of the Knights Templar

A long time ago (after bible times but before Henry Ford times) some rich people wanted to hide their fortune so it wouldn’t get stolen. There were no banks or mattresses to hide their money under, so those one percenters decided to give all their money to some knights to safeguard. Well, the knights took the whole thing way too seriously, devising a series of codes and maps way too complicated for anyone to understand, even Siri. So the treasure got buried somewhere totally random, probably New York City or somewhere cool like Ibiza. No one has found it yet, but if you did you would get super rich and famous.

Become a Psychic

People are freaking the eff out right now, so obviously they’re turning to psychics to tell them what the future holds. Being a psychic is a job that requires no qualifications except being able to talk slowly with a slight bit of rasp in your voice. You also need to be good at making stuff up - sprinkle in a little doom and gloom, add a dollop of good fortune, and finish it off with a drizzle of necromancy! This is easy money, people!

Gamble

Lean to count cards or slip an ace in your shirt sleeve and you’ll have no problem milking the casino for all it’s worth. Gambling is a really fun way to make money because you can chain smoke cigarettes indoors and drink all the free liquor you could ever want!

Befriend a Rich Elderly

COVID is taking out scores of octogenarians which is super sad, especially when the deceased is rich and has no next-of-kin to bequeath their fortunes to. I recommend finding a lonely, rich senior citizen and figuring out a way to make them love you. That’s the key, though. They have to LOVE you, so do whatever it takes to get that to happen. Eventually, they will pass on and you can count on them leaving you a few coins. You can smile knowing that someone died thinking that you actually loved them.

Breed Dogs

This one is the least fun on the list because you have to watch a bunch of animals have sex all the time, but better believe there is good money in breeding dogs. Find the tiniest, flattest-faced dogs that you can and get them to f*ck. You’ll be able to sell their puppies for a few hundo a piece. Bonus for this one because you can make a flat faced tiny dog youtube video and rake in those advertising revenues!

What are you waiting for? Get out there and make that money! This list is pretty great, but let me know if you have any other ideas for easy ways to make money! As long as it’s not starting a church, I’m fine with it. Just stay out of my GD lane and we will be cool. Ok, I’m off to check on my dog who is giving birth right now, so I hope to catch you next time when we will all surely learn a little bit more about how to stay devoted to faith.

Blessings and Light,

Kathy

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categories / satire, comedy
tags / find something new, jobs, covid, economy, comedy, satire

INTIMACY DURING COVID

July 16, 2020 / Church Night

For those of us single folks out there, dating during COVID has become even harder than it was before! Navigating intimacy with strangers has always been a chore and now we have to have safe conversations, safe dinners, and safe sex?! Lucky for you I’ve written a few mini dramatic plays that will help you learn what to say and how to act when things start to spice up between you and a new partner. Find a friend and role play these scenarios and you’ll be prepared for any type of sexual situation that may arise!

“The Protection Question”

CHRIS, a sexy single, and ARI, a sexy single, sit six feet apart on a big king size bed in a hotel suite.

Chris: I can’t believe your mom gave you her Marriott points for this sweet hotel room.

Ari: Yeah, even though I’m an adult, she still spoils me.

Chris: Hotel rooms always make me really horny. What about you?

Ari: Why do you think I asked my mom about those Marriott points?

Ari makes a really sexy face right at Chris.

Chris: I think I know what you mean. You want to do the nasty with me.

Ari touches their nose twice like the way people do when someone has the correct word in the party game of charades.

Chris: Ok, Ari, I am game. But since we’re in a global crisis right now, I have to ask you: Do you have protection?

Ari: Never leave home without it.

Ari slowly pulls out of their pocket a blue surgical mask. They lower it to their crotch area.

BLACK OUT.

“The Testing Question”

CHRIS, a sexy single, and ARI, a sexy single, sit six feet apart on the sofa.

Chris: I really enjoyed our first date, Ari. I think we should take this thing to the next level and do it with each other.

Ari: I agree, Chris. Watching you suck down those chili dogs made me so horny tonight at dinner. I’m 100% game to do it with you.

Chris: Watching you go face first into that taco-in-a-bag got the blood flowing to all the right places. I’m ready to pounce on you right now, but first I have to ask you a question.

Ari: You can ask me anything Chris, I am an open bible.

Chris: Have you been tested for the Coronavirus disease?

Ari: No Chris, I don’t have health insurance.

Chris: Ok, then we have to use protection.

Ari: You’re right.

Chris and Ari each slowly pull out of their pockets a blue surgical mask. They then lower the masks to their crotch areas.

BLACK OUT.

“The Symptom Checker”

CHRIS, a sexy single, and ARI, a sexy single, sit six feet apart at a table.

Chris: It is clear to me that you and I have a deep connection.

Ari: We have such a sexual energy between us right now. I’m dying to see what’s under all that fabric you’re wearing.

Chris: My clothes? These old things?

Chris sexually feels up their own body.

Ari: I can already tell that this is going to be hot as hell. But before we go any further, I need to ask you: Have you had any symptoms of the coronavirus disease?

Chris: Shortness of breath? Coughing? A Fever? Nausea? No I haven’t Ari. How about you?

Ari: I haven’t either. Unless being really horny for sex is a symptom?

Chris: I don’t think it is, but just in case, we’d better make sure to protect ourselves and each other.

Ari: Agreed.

Chris and Ari each slowly pull out of their pockets a blue surgical mask. They then lower the masks to their crotch areas.

BLACK OUT

I hope you enjoyed these three plays. I do think if you follow the script, you will be able to date and have totally safe sexual life for the duration of the pandemic. But anyway, I gotta run. My VBS kids are doing a virtual version of these plays for their parents on Zoom in a few minutes! I hope to catch you next time when we will all surely learn a little bit more about how to stay devoted to faith.

Blessings and Light,

Kathy

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categories / comedy, satire
tags / COVID, sex, dating, intimacy, masks, comedy, satire

Easy Pre-fab Weeknight Mealtime Prayers

June 28, 2020 / Church Night

Do you pray before mealtime? Since I’m a youth minister, I’m legally bound to say a prayer before eating any type of food or snack item. Even though I consider myself a model citizen, I’m not always perfect. Don’t tell the Lord, but sometimes I have the munchies so bad that I forget to pray! That’s why it’s important for me to have a variety of pre-packaged prayers at the ready - I can whip up a no-fuss prayer without having to use my brain to think of words and their meaning! Rote memorization and a few seconds of mechanical chanting makes meal time easier and much more enjoyable.

Here is an easy and fun prayer that I like to recite on days when I’m feeling extra silly if you know what I mean ;) This prayer is also great for weeknights, existential crises, and family fight nights! It is copyrighted under my name, but feel free to use it for yourself. I won’t sue.

Do you have any pre-fab prayers that you love? If so, share in the comments!

Easy Weeknight Mealtime Prayer

Come, Oh Lord, be our guest!

Be our guest, be our guest!

Put our service to the test.

Tie your napkin 'round your neck, oh Lord

And we'll provide the rest!

The sauces are for dipping

No thanks, I won’t be tipping!

Put a hot dog down your gullet

Put on a bib, tie back your mullet

We gon’ eat some food, munch munch munch

It’s gon’ be good, crunch crunch crunch crunch

For I have gathered here to pray

For you, oh Lord, it’s your big day!

In His Name We Say,

Peace Out

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categories / comedy, satire
tags / prayers, weeknight meals, hot dogs, comedy, satire

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A QUARANTINED YOUTH MINISTER

June 23, 2020 / Church Night

With most of the country still locked down to one degree or another, a lot of people are starting to unravel under the stress of having to be stuck inside. Between the terror of quiet time and the loving embrace of the internet, this new lifestyle feels exactly like a rollercoaster - one moment you feel like the restraint is too much and the next moment, you barf in your own cleavage. For the most part, I’m doing great and have only hit rock bottom a couple of times, so I’m going to share with you what a typical day looks like for me in quarantine. Perhaps you can pick up a couple of tips for yourself and save yourself from fully unraveling under this soul sucking reality that is America in 2020!

“MORNING”

I put morning in quotes because no way am I ever awake before noon. The very first thing I do is grab my phone and get all my business done from bed. I reply to every email (usually just sending my bank account info to friends stuck abroad), I check the news to see if anyone I know was raptured, and then I stare at my ceiling for an amount of time that can only be measured in sighs. This whole process takes me 1-2 hours I think. I’m not entirely sure because none of my clocks work and fixing them seems pointless because time isn’t real anymore.

PRAYERS AND FOOD

Once my business is done, I go straight from my bed to my knees. I hit a couple prayers out of the park (usually praying to have woken up in an alternate universe) and then head to the kitchen to put the coffee on and make something to eat. Life is an isolating nightmare right now, so my go-to breakfast is a 3-shot Irish Coffee and a Little Debbie. This combination of strong whiskey, caffeine, and corn syrup puts me right where I need to be to get through another day of staring at the same stuff, working up the energy to go check the mail.

i made this on photoshop, my real breakfast is not cartoon

BINGE

Once my belly is full and my brain is slush, I pop on my 2008 Sony flat screen TV and check out 15-25 episodes of whatever show Netflix says is “for Kathy.” I just watched all of the new Queer Eye and learned that the French tuck is officially out of fashion. I’ve also seen every single YouTube video about #vanlife and am two seconds away from leaving everything behind to live in my Volvo. This is the part of my day that I would most recommend to other people trying to thrive in quarantine. Binging TV can help you forget that we live in a dystopian sci-fi and chances are it only gets worse from here. Pro-tip: don’t watch dystopian sci-fi.

BED AGAIN

After falling asleep to either muckbang or a COD gameplay vid, I wake up on the sofa in the middle of the night and head to bed. If I’m hungry, I will microwave a quick corn dog to help lull me to sleep. I always remember to say a prayer at this point because bedtime prayers are the most important. If you die in your sleep from choking on a corn dog, you won’t go to heaven unless you prayed right before bed. It’s a weird rule of the Lord’s, but we don’t question daddy unless we want to get punished.

corndogs are the perfect food to bring to bed

And that’s a typical day for me! Of course, I do other things such as sit in my Volvo pretending I have somewhere to go or attempt to befriend the raccoon that lives in my trash can, but not everyone is blessed with these amenities, so I purposely didn’t bring them up in this article. There are a lot of jealous types in our congregation, after all.

Anyway, I hoped this helped you learn how you too can thrive in quarantine. And by “thrive”, I mean “hold yourself together by a thread.” Ok, I feel a sob session coming on, so I’ve got to go start the shower! I hope to catch you next time when we will all surely learn a little bit more about how to stay devoted to faith.

Blessings and Light,

Kath

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categories / comedy, satire
tags / isolation, day in the life, quarantine, corn dog, depression, sadness

HOW I KEEP MY FAITH

June 20, 2020 / Church Night

Most people I meet marvel at my ability to stay so faithful. They wonder how I remain so perfect despite my super busy schedule spending time with all of my many friends all while working at my lucrative job. Well, while there is no secret to this sort of success in faith, there are just a few things I do that I generally prefer to keep to myself. But if you’re reading this blog, you’re allowing me to put a “cookie” on your browser so that I can get paid to allow advertisers to follow you around the internet. As a thank you for the cookie, I will share my personal tips about how I have remained faithful during tough times.

Faith is belief without demanding facts. Facts are often uncomfortable and challenging to our brain parts. Faith is much, much easier because it helps you avoid confronting those awful truths that make you feel sad, or worse, guilty. Faith can keep you afloat during the toughest times. One time, I let Reverend Bidet cut my hair when he was halfway into a bottle of everclear. Did I worry about my hair because the “fact” is that drunk people lose their motor skills? No, I had “faith” that it would turn out fine. So how did it turn out? The “fact” was that my hair looked like a melted helmet with hair stuck to it and smelled of bacteria for a couple of months. But I had “faith” that I looked gorgeous and so, I felt the best feeling a person can ever feel: complacency. Did it matter that people didn’t want me around their children or that I wasn’t allowed in the bowling alley anymore? Not one bit because I was able to do a lot of catfishing and fun stuff like that at home on the net while my shell grew out. Faith. Faith is what got me through that. Faith and poppers.

Faith isn’t always easy though, folks. Sometimes you have to hold on to it as tight as you can to avoid one of the worst things imaginable: admitting you’re wrong. One time I bought this tiny little toy thing that said it would grow into a dinosaur if I just put it in water for a couple of hours. Well, of course I had faith in that little toy because packaging never lies. So, I put it in the bathtub and sure enough, it grew quite a bit in just a couple of hours. But it didn’t turn into a real dinosaur like I’m pretty sure the package said it would. So, I let it sit for a few more days, and still, no real dinosaur. Folks, that was three years ago and would you believe that thing is STILL soaking in my bathtub?! Yes, it’s covered in mildew, yes it’s given me a skin infection multiple times, but I have FAITH that one day I will be the owner of a living, breathing Triceratops named Tri-Carrot Tops. If I didn’t have that faith, what would I have? A bruised ego and a rash that quit responding to antibiotics. I may still have the rash, but my ego is bigger and better than ever my friends! That’s faith.

Lastly, let’s talk about faith in the Lord. It’s normal to have doubts about the existence of someone you can’t see or hear or smell or taste. Someone that you’ve only read about during the handful of times you’ve skimmed the bible. Someone that you’ve only heard about from other people like Mel Gibson. But you can’t let those doubts overshadow your faith because as soon as you do, the Lord will get angry. If the Lord is mad at you, there is no telling what kind of terror he will reign down upon you. I mean, the Lord is all powerful. It would be a shame if anything happened to that nice family of yours...Honestly, it’s easier and much safer to have faith. Just do what he says and have faith. Don’t risk it. It’s not worth it. Don’t question the Lord.

I hope those answers about faith shine a little bit of happiness onto your day! I’m going to go rub some ointment on my body now because the doctor thinks there might be microscopic bugs in my skin. I hope to catch you next time when we will all surely learn a little bit more about how to stay devoted to faith.

Blessings and Light,

Kath

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categories / comedy, satire
tags / faith, comedy, satire, carrot top, dinosaurs, rash, the Lord

Who is The Lord?

June 18, 2020 / Church Night

Ok, this is a question I get all the time from the kids I teach in Sunday school. They have a hard time grasping who the Lord is because they can’t see him, he doesn’t talk, and he doesn’t have a Tik Tok. If the Lord had a Tik Tok, he would probably have hundreds of followers! But the Lord is not on social media because he’s really old and old people have a hard time using technology, let alone the hard ones like Tik Tok.

So how do you explain who the Lord is without the ease of texting a link to his social media page? You can start with a Google image search for the Lord as I have done here. That is a good place to begin so that you can quickly get a visual of what he definitely looks like: a cis white guy with facial hair demanding a hug.

Now, from those pictures we know he’s handsy, but that doesn’t really explain the full picture of who he REALLY is. I’ve created a quick breakdown to help us understand the answer to this super simple question that is, quite frankly, unbelievable that I even have to answer:

He is everyone’s daddy.
I’m not going to get into daddy issues here. We all have them. Some more than others, but basically the Lord is everyone’s daddy. It’s like that one doctor who used his sperm to inseminate hundreds of ladies without their consent at his fertility clinic. That guy has a LOT of kids who he has never met in person. Crazy. The Lord is like that but less illegal and more theoretical. The Lord doesn’t make sperm and isn’t a fertility doctor. Honestly I’m not totally sure how it works, but just know, he is your daddy.
He invented planet earth and humans
You know how I invented putting hot dog coins on a tortilla chip and call them Dogchos? Well, the Lord did the same sort of thing when he invented Earth and people. He was kind of bored (and probably high) one day and was just like “what if I made something called ‘existence’ and, like, create little tiny inferior versions of myself and give them a bunch of random rules to follow? If they fail, I will make them suffer after they die. Die? That’s a great idea, I’m going to make existence finite.” I’m pretty darn sure that’s how it went down for the Lord. I’m not 100% on if he made the other planets or the Universe because there isn’t anything about that in the bible, but he definitely made planet earth and humans and that’s all I really care about anyway.

4. He is someone you can talk to anytime

A lot of people go to therapists these days, but I don’t understand why. If you want to just blab on about your problems, why not just save some cash and do it for free with the Lord? Basically, you can call him anytime for any reason. He doesn’t talk back, but what good therapist does? Save your hard earned cash for self-medication and just let it all out to the Lord.

5. He lives in Heaven

Now, we at Church Night know heaven to be a galaxy far away, made of wi-fi. Not everyone agrees with that, but we have proof that is where heaven physically is. I’m not gonna say how we got the proof because it may or may not be legal, but believe us - our sources are legit. The Lord lives in heaven and has an intricate monitoring system to keep track of every person’s movements, thoughts, prayers, sexual preferences, etc. Think Amazon levels of mass-surveillance with a touch of Black Mirror. That’s where we go when we die! How lovely!

6. He’s a dom

Listen, you don’t make a bunch of rules with intense punishments for breaking said rules if you’re a sub. The Lord is hands down the dom-iest dom that ever dommed. Either that, or he has a huge ego problem, but we know the Lord is perfect, so he’s just a big ‘ol dom. Anyone who judges the Lord about this is, quite simply, kink shaming the Lord and that is NOT COOL. We don’t kink shame at Church Night.

Those are the five simple explanations you can give your kids or whoever wants to know more about who the Lord is. I’m going to go microwave a hotdog and get ready for a little fiesta at my place tonight! Thanks for tuning in and check back soon for another update on how you can stay devoted to faith.

Blessings and light,

Kath

Did I get it right about the Lord? Let me know if you think I missed anything in the comments!

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