A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A QUARANTINED YOUTH MINISTER
With most of the country still locked down to one degree or another, a lot of people are starting to unravel under the stress of having to be stuck inside. Between the terror of quiet time and the loving embrace of the internet, this new lifestyle feels exactly like a rollercoaster - one moment you feel like the restraint is too much and the next moment, you barf in your own cleavage. For the most part, I’m doing great and have only hit rock bottom a couple of times, so I’m going to share with you what a typical day looks like for me in quarantine. Perhaps you can pick up a couple of tips for yourself and save yourself from fully unraveling under this soul sucking reality that is America in 2020!
“MORNING”
I put morning in quotes because no way am I ever awake before noon. The very first thing I do is grab my phone and get all my business done from bed. I reply to every email (usually just sending my bank account info to friends stuck abroad), I check the news to see if anyone I know was raptured, and then I stare at my ceiling for an amount of time that can only be measured in sighs. This whole process takes me 1-2 hours I think. I’m not entirely sure because none of my clocks work and fixing them seems pointless because time isn’t real anymore.
PRAYERS AND FOOD
Once my business is done, I go straight from my bed to my knees. I hit a couple prayers out of the park (usually praying to have woken up in an alternate universe) and then head to the kitchen to put the coffee on and make something to eat. Life is an isolating nightmare right now, so my go-to breakfast is a 3-shot Irish Coffee and a Little Debbie. This combination of strong whiskey, caffeine, and corn syrup puts me right where I need to be to get through another day of staring at the same stuff, working up the energy to go check the mail.
i made this on photoshop, my real breakfast is not cartoon
BINGE
Once my belly is full and my brain is slush, I pop on my 2008 Sony flat screen TV and check out 15-25 episodes of whatever show Netflix says is “for Kathy.” I just watched all of the new Queer Eye and learned that the French tuck is officially out of fashion. I’ve also seen every single YouTube video about #vanlife and am two seconds away from leaving everything behind to live in my Volvo. This is the part of my day that I would most recommend to other people trying to thrive in quarantine. Binging TV can help you forget that we live in a dystopian sci-fi and chances are it only gets worse from here. Pro-tip: don’t watch dystopian sci-fi.
BED AGAIN
After falling asleep to either muckbang or a COD gameplay vid, I wake up on the sofa in the middle of the night and head to bed. If I’m hungry, I will microwave a quick corn dog to help lull me to sleep. I always remember to say a prayer at this point because bedtime prayers are the most important. If you die in your sleep from choking on a corn dog, you won’t go to heaven unless you prayed right before bed. It’s a weird rule of the Lord’s, but we don’t question daddy unless we want to get punished.
corndogs are the perfect food to bring to bed
And that’s a typical day for me! Of course, I do other things such as sit in my Volvo pretending I have somewhere to go or attempt to befriend the raccoon that lives in my trash can, but not everyone is blessed with these amenities, so I purposely didn’t bring them up in this article. There are a lot of jealous types in our congregation, after all.
Anyway, I hoped this helped you learn how you too can thrive in quarantine. And by “thrive”, I mean “hold yourself together by a thread.” Ok, I feel a sob session coming on, so I’ve got to go start the shower! I hope to catch you next time when we will all surely learn a little bit more about how to stay devoted to faith.
Blessings and Light,
Kath
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